Today is my four year wedding anniversary. It brings a certain amount of sadness but I received wonderful news this morning, my younger sister had her baby girl. I'm glad that both are healthy and resting but I'm also disappointed, not in her but in my life. I've wanted kids for a few years now but never started trying with him. Their were a few reasons behind this some are more obvious than others.
For the first two years of our marriage people would ask when we would start having kids. I would say that I wanted to wait a bit because we got married so quickly after meeting. Realistically it was because I wasn't ready, I didn't feel grown up enough to be a parent. Eventually I felt ready but my marriage was so abusive and volatile that I didn't want to bring a child into the world to be raised in that, like I was. He would complain that he was getting too old to have children (he's six years older). This past spring I caught the fever, baby fever. I wanted a child so bad, before time ran out, that I was actually considering having a child. I realize in hindsight that this was selfish, not caring how the child would be raised only that I would have a child.
The reason I didn't start trying was because a few years back I had an abnormal PAP. I was sent to a specialist and I had to go in every six months to ensure it didn't turn in to precancerous cells. I had laser ablation done in year two of marriage and had put off my follow up because of the move to Vancouver. I decided to go in for an annual check up in June of this year and was told my results would be available in about a month. This was around the time I was really unhappy in my marriage and was slowly allowing the thoughts of leaving him to enter my mind.
In early July, the same week I had scheduled a meeting with my pastor, I called the doctors office for my results. I was expecting to be told I would need to see a specialist which would mean I still had abnormal cells. She casually said I was fine and could book in a year. I made her repeat herself because I thought I misheard her. I was so relieved, finally after seven years of bad news in that department I was given a clean bill of health. I just had to remember not to mention it to him. In fact, I lied and told him it was still an issue as the explanation for distance and stress for the next few weeks. The actual stress was planning to leave in secrecy.
So here I am, 30 years old, finally healthy and painfully single. Well, not even single and free to date. Separated and waiting to file divorce papers. I don't want to start dating anytime soon, I need time to heal and deal with all the trauma before I can get back out there. If I start too soon I could attract the wrong kind of man again and end up in this situation again.
The other thing is that this time I'll be released into the dating pond (as I've aged out of my twenties it's no longer an ocean) a Christian woman. The dating options are lessened even more. I realize that if it's God's will for me to remarry and have child(ren) that it will happen.
I had initially planned to get my nails done as my treat to myself today but frankly, I can't managed to keep myself from crying long enough to even walk to the nail salon. I had thought that because I was no longer in love with him that today would be no big deal, how wrong I was. I was thinking that I would be happy today because my little sister gave birth to a beautiful little baby girl, again, how wrong I was.
I truly think that there is a disconnect between my head and heart as I head down the healing. Off to bed and fingers crossed I'll actually fall asleep before 11.
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