Crisis of Faith

My Mum feared I would have a crisis of faith leaving him. I had held on the vast majority of my marriage. I held on because I was told that divorce shouldn't be an option, it shouldn't even be in my vocabulary. That I needed to be the one who changed the family's pattern of generational divorce. That if I kept praying for him to be saved that he would. That if I kept praying that my marriage would get better that it would. It didn't.

Does this mean that God doesn't love me? Does this mean that my faith is all for nothing? No. The reason I found my faith is because of my marriage. It made me hit the bottom of myself. The first instance of physical abuse was the point I cried out to my Christian friends and they suggested I read the gospel. I know now that they had been praying I find Jesus but didn't know then. I bought a bible and began to read it. A month or so later I found a Christmas activity that sounded interesting, a walking nativity. I attended it a few weeks later and heard one of the pastors of that church speak about his upcoming sermon and decided to attend. I kept going every Sunday (much to his dislike) and in April gave my life to the Lord. I was baptized at that church the following November.

Over the year from buying my bible to being baptized the attacks on my faith by him intensified. He hated Christians, frankly we both did when we met. I had grown up in the Mormon church and it left a fowl taste in my mouth. I disliked Christianity because of this. I thought all churches were like the Mormon church but have since learned that each denomination and each church is different and you need to keep trying to find the one that fits, that you feel spiritually fed. The church I found (or I think found me) was an Alliance church, the music wasn't old style hymns like I was used to and the bible version used was not KJV like I was used to. I had no idea the volume of different translations in existence. I actually understood as I read the bible and could get excited about singing praise. I'm not bashing the Mormon church, for some it makes sense to them and feeds them spiritually.

The crisis of faith is actually for the Christians around me. Will they judge me and my decision? Will they love their neighbor as Jesus taught? How do I explain myself without going into graphic detail to leave and divorce my husband? Will they pray for my healing instead of reconciliation? I don't want to make people uncomfortable to be around me but I also don't want to lie anymore or omit that I'm divorcing him.

Will I be a sinner when I divorce him? Yes and no. I am a sinner, a sinner saved by grace. All of us fall short of the glory of God. I will not be committing a sin by divorcing him. He attacked my faith and he broke his marital vows. He clothed himself in violence (Malachi 2:16). He was sexually immoral (Hebrews 13:4).

The bible speaks of only a few instances where divorce is acceptable and permitted. Adultery (Matthew 19:9), if the spouse cast the other out for their faith (1 Corinthians 7:13) and if a husband gives his wife a certificate of divorce (Deuteronomy 24:1).

Technically speaking the bible doesn't cover spousal abuse. God didn't design marriage to be filled with violence. Marriage is designed to be like sand paper; to soften your rough edges. It's supposed to challenge you and make you a better person. To draw closer to God and be more Christ like. I don't have this vision of it being all sunshine and rainbows but I also don't have a vision of it being as mine was.

If you dig far enough and long enough you can find the answer you want. I could google to my hearts content finding reassurance that divorce is an acceptable solution to any marital issue. The thing is, my issue isn't a small nor a simple one. I was abuse, continuously and maliciously but a man who stood up in front of friends and family and promised to love me. Perhaps in his disturbed mind, he did love me.

He never physically cheated on me but he did emotionally. He had been talking to a gal he new from a neighboring town of his hometown. I found out when she sent him a text message while he was in the bathroom and I noticed it. I questioned him on it and he deflected. He said he was just giving her advice on her boyfriend but I didn't believe him. He then admitted that he liked the female attention since he wasn't getting it from me. It wasn't true of course; he got attention from me. Living with a narcissist you learn to be co-dependent as a survival mechanism, You're day is organized by making sure you make him happy. Whatever time is left over, if any, you can spend on making yourself happy. I demanded he stop talking to her immediately and delete her from his phone and Facebook. He then accused me of having inappropriate conversations with some of my male friends on Facebook. I wasn't but he kept after me, to deflect the negative attention away from himself. I finally caved and deleted all non-family male Facebook friends.