Denial and Other Things That Start with D.

To all those who were once victimized, did you ever feel re-victimized when trying to seek help for the original victimization? Perhaps others aren't actually victimizing me, having to talk about the trauma is like opening the wound. When the words leave my mouth the tears start to form in the corner of my eyes. This is an unconscious response to having to remember what I endured even if I don't have to speak to the specifics. 

My mind so desperately wants to forget all he did to me; to pretend that it never happened and that I was never married. This is not a possibility, I get that but this waiting to get divorced time sucks. I realize that it is actually a good thing though, if things happened too quickly it would make the situation too hard to handle. I just want to get back to my normal self and to feel happiness again (and not just for a moment or a few hours). 

I've had this depression cloud hanging above my head now for a few weeks. I find some happiness periodically but it never lasts more than a day. Currently, I feel sad and lonely more than I feel happy. I thought the idea of leaving him was to find a way to be happy more often than not? Lately, I've been lonely, very lonely. I had that difference of opinion with one friend, the other lives in an hour and a half by transit and my family is in the midst of dealing with issues regarding my younger sister. 

I had a thought of finding a pen pal, someone to talk to. I have since realized that this will not actually fill the hole in my heart. I can romanticize the idea of writing some soldier overseas fighting and that over time we fall in love and meet. This is reality and not a Nicholas Sparks movie.  Realistically, I need to avoid relationships with men, even platonic ones for now. I have an unhealthy view of men these days and I think I need therapy before even thinking about heading down that path. 

Ideally, I'd like to find people out in my community that have gone through similar circumstance. Gals I can talk openly about what I feel and think and might even be around my age. I live in a large city and you would think that some group would exist but I have yet to find it.

I finally found a page of resources for counseling. Next week I have to go to  a walk in counseling season. Sounds weird right? Apparently only the first one is drop in style and the others will be scheduled. I imagine it was set up this way in case women are still living with there abusers and can't commit to an actual appointment. If it doesn't work out than on to the next on the list.

I actually have this weekend off. Totally free to do anything. Problem is, I'm depressed and have lost interest in the activities I once enjoyed. I really wanted to go for a hike but its supposed to rain. I thought about a movie but frankly all I do this days is stare at a screen. Shopping? Lunch? Mani-pedi? Not sure what I'll do yet.