I live in Canada where The Charter of Rights and Freedoms (section 2) give me the freedom of expression (speech). This means I can say and believe whatever I want (provided it's not a threat of physical harm). This is something I took for granted. During my marriage their were two topics that could not be brought up unless I was willing to have a fight, religion and politics. These are my two favorite topics. I love to talk, to debate and to learn more especially when it comes to these two. He however believed that these should never be discussed as they are the reason for war. I remember him telling me this a few weeks in and I so naively thought I could change this about him.
I've enjoyed these last few weeks so much. I've worked a lot and it was tiring but I've had many opportunities to talk politics with new friends. I've had the opportunity to be myself and it's so freeing. I've been so busy I've snapped out of my fear mentality. I'm not suggesting that I'm not fearful of running into him but I have managed to get out and go for long walks.
In saying all this, Thanksgiving was this past weekend and it wasn't an easy day. I skipped church; I couldn't managed to muster the desire to leave the house. My Mum said she would Facetime with me once people arrived. I waited hours by my phone. I didn't want to call in case they were in the middle of their meal. Finally at 8:00 pm their time I call the house and then Facetimed me. I was so lonely and sad. In the past this would bring on full panic mode. What if I went into a downward spiral from which I couldn't recover? What if my thoughts of suicide came back? My counselor taught me to stop having catastrophic thoughts. The world will not fall apart just because I'm sad and it's ok to feel one's feelings. I felt them and you know what? I felt a little better the next day. By Tuesday, I felt happier, like my normal(ish) self.
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