Seeking approval

Did you know that I'm a people pleaser? This stems from my childhood, do whatever it takes not to rock the boat and set off my step-fathers rage. This also stems from moving every few years. I would have to make a new set of friends and blend into already established friendships. This is also the reason I never really set down roots but that's post in itself. 

I've searched for men to fill a hole in my heart. My father's lack of emotionally availability made me seek validation and approval from other men. How does one get men's attention? Flirting, sexy attire and oh yes, people pleasing. I was like a chameleon, always changing my likes and clothing style to blend in with whatever boyfriend I had. At one point I was into heavy metal and custom low-rider trucks and wore west coast choppers clothing and before that I was also into techno and rap and dressed preppy. So who the heck was and and who the heck am I now?

I am a country music loving gal with a prairie heart. I love both city and country living each for their own reasons, reasons I can actually articulate now. I enjoy hiking, running, watching chick flicks, crocheting, baking and spending time with family and friends that have shown me they accept me, flaws and all.  I do not like low rider trucks, I do not like techno music and I do not like heavy metal. 

I used to have this tough persona because I was going to be a cop. I went to college and studied law enforcement. I surrounded myself with like minded people. I no longer had a feminine heart. I was like this for a few years before I realized that I couldn't be a police officer. I couldn't stay sober long enough to stay out of trouble. I was a binge drinker who drank and drove home more times then I care to count. No one was ever injured and I never got into a crash but I'm not proud of my actions during those years. 

After my last boyfriend dumped me I started to frequently drink wine at home in the evenings but soon realized I couldn't afford to drink anymore. My sobriety didn't start because I saw the light, but I started somewhere. I had a glass of wine here or there for a year or two after that but can say with pride I have been sober for over three years now. Once I had one drink, I would want another and another after that. I used to drink until the money ran out or I blacked out. I don't miss alcohol and I don't miss how I acted while I drank. I'm embarrassed but I'm not that person anymore. I realized that alcohol was my numbing agent to help me have the confidence to talk to people. It would quiet the voice in my head telling me I wasn't good enough. Alcohol gave me a false sense of security about myself and made me feel more accepted by others.

I still catch myself seeking the approval of single men. Thinking about what they think of me. Am I pretty enough? Thin enough? Do I talk to much? Am I too opinionated? But when I get home I realize that it doesn't really matter what they think of me because I am completely loved and accepted by God.