Sunday 29 November 2015

Let's Talk About Sex, Baby

Feeling angry is just one of many steps of working through grief. I don't know if I went through this step but was shocked at the onset. At first I tried to think of what specifically was making me angry. When I couldn't pin point it I realized that a lack of reasoning is a sign its not something currently going on in my life.

I got to thinking about the other stages of grief. Had I gone through the other stages or am I going through out of order? Denial? Check. Bargaining? Check. Depression, that's for darn sure and I'm still in that one. Did I skip over anger?

Is it possible that I'm angry because I'm lonely? Is it because my sex drive is returning? Or is it my subconscious releasing the memories because I'm ready to face them? Maybe it's both.

For years I've been guilt-ed, sweet talked, manipulated and belittled into sex.  I'd realized that if I'd give in on Friday's I could avoid the passive aggressive jabs he'd make at me all day Saturday and the major blow out, knock down, drag out Sunday. That would result in my crying myself to sleep and us not talking Monday. We might not talk Tuesday and then Wednesday the apologies. I learned the cycle and the fighting still continued because it wasn't about that one issue. It was about control and manipulation and it was like he took pleasure in messing with my emotions. This in itself could make a person go crazy and for me it worsened my depression to the point of serious thoughts of suicide.

I can recall more times than I can count going through the motions, trying to put on a face of enjoyment on the outside while on the inside I'm screaming "get off of me" or "hurry up so this hell can be over". I would lay there hoping that because I put out Friday night I wouldn't have to Saturday morning. I was, more often that not, disappointed. It was never often enough, I could never be all he expected me to be. And yet, I would try and change myself into the person he wanted me to be in hopes of solving all the issues of our marriage.

He never held me down but yet I feel he sexually violated me by using manipulation. When he told his family how bad our marriage was they sided with him on how it was unhealthy to have sex as infrequently as we did. I can't blame his family for siding with him but you would think that they would question the reasoning or underlying issues that resulted in the lack of sex. 

I know there are a lot of ladies out there that have faked it, I certainly have. He would get mad at himself for lasting two minutes and I would then have to make him feel better and tell him I had enjoyed it. Eventually I realized that faking it would help make it believable. 

I wonder if I'll ever enjoy sex like I did before him. The issue is before him I wasn't a christian and wasn't opposed to sex outside of marital vows. So I can't go back to who I was because who I was may have involved going out clubbing with my gal pals, drinking excessively and flirt with any and every guy in sight. I wasn't one to sleep around and have a bunch of one night stands but I can't be that person anymore. I've come out of bad relationships before and I had a routine to get over the breakup but the only one I can do now (in good conscious) and  it's only listening to country music. 

So why am I so angry? Maybe it's because I'm unsure of who I am and what my life is going to look like. I'm not angry that I'm not with him anymore but I'm angry about the life I may not have. Normally I would suppress my anger but that's an unhealthy way to handle things, instead I'm giving myself permission to be angry. It's a nice change from the depression and general ho-hums.

1 comment:

  1. I am so thankful you follow my blog so I could find and follow yours. Your words ring deep - the grip me at my core. I've been out 5.5 years but I completely feel the rawness of where you are. Continue your healing journey. I look forward to sharing a part of the journey with you through your blogging.

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