Survival Response

I haven't written in a while. I was busy again with work. It took my a few days before I had a realization. God knows when I can handle dealing with a part of my trauma and when I can't. So this morning, I was ready. I realized after a long night with little sleep that I used to feel sick most days. Tired, headaches, stomach pains etc plagued me during my marriage. Now, I feel better most days even though I work more. 

People may wonder how I survived him so long. The human body (and spirit) is an amazing thing, it's programmed to survive. Survive fear, famine and trauma among other things. I lived in a world that made abuse a regular and almost normal thing. I remembered sitting down with a pastor over a year ago and found it hard to explain the reason behind me fear. How can you explain abuse when it's a normal part of your world. It's not until you find yourself in a new world can you actually realize how bad it got, slowly, over months and years. How he groomed you, he manipulated you and used your natural strengths (but mostly weaknesses) to his advantage.

I couldn't verbalize the sexual abuse because I couldn't even recognize that's what it was. I couldn't verbalize the control he had over me because he had made me believe I was trying to control him. I couldn't explain why I felt sick so often, even after I found out I had Celiac's disease. How could I explain that my body was screaming to me that something was wrong. It could only keep up the "survival" so long and it reached maximum capacity long ago.

Since being free, I don't feel sick very often. Tired, yes but then again I'm working through so serious trauma and dealing with depression. That can really take it out of you. My stomach doesn't hurt and I rarely even get a headache.

As I sit here typing I just remembered the time I was hospitalized two weeks before my wedding. I had a migraine for over a week and my prescription medication wasn't working anymore. He was less than understanding and I hadn't even married him yet. How did I not see this as a red flag?

I don't know what I was thinking, I wanted the pain to stop but I really didn't want any needles let alone an IV. He sarcastically asked me what I thought they were going to do. Perhaps this migraine was my body screaming for me to call off the wedding. Then again, I don't have regrets about the way my life has played out. The plan God had for my escape and all he worked out (for His glory) made me 100% certain it was Him.

For the most part these days, I'm healthy. My main issue these days is anxiety. Anxiety and nervousness are two very different things but most people use those two works interchangeably. I found an posting on Facebook that talked about the secretes of anxiety. The difference for me is anxiety causes me not to feel hungry until I have intense hunger pains vs being nervous I can still feel hungry. Currently, nothing seems overly appetizing. Normally I can decide what I want to eat fairly quickly but this week I don't want anything at all. I'm hoping that once the plane lands on Christmas eve that this anxiety will dissipate. 

Haunted

I feel a bit haunted the last few days. I had a bit of a moment in the shower Sunday morning. I had a flash back to showering with him and then I thought he got into the shower with me. I hated showering with him because he wanted it to be a sexual activity. I however, wanted it to be a time to get clean and get out. There I was, shampoo running down my face I opened my eyes to check and pulled the shower curtain back to check the bathroom. I know that may in fact be a sign of insanity, or maybe it's a sign of PTSD.

Last night I laid in bed trying to fall asleep and I felt like someone was standing over my bed. Of course no one was but I got to thinking why all these thoughts and feelings are coming forward. For weeks I've been working through the sadness and loneliness that comes from separation. I've seemed to have moved on to dealing with some of the trauma. 

He haunts my mind, all he put me through and all he did to me. I'm trying to find my new normal. I still have this feeling of wasting the days away or that my apartment is messy and this neurotic thought to put as much away to avoid it being broken. I still have this sheet of crumbled paper with my exercise routine. It's crumbled because I left it out once and during a fight he crumbled it up and threw it in the garbage. There are still little bits of him in my life and try as I may to forget his existence he isn't fully gone. 

He control the finances, despite the fact that I made more money. He would frequently spend the account to $0, max out my credit cards and then complain that he didn't have spending money for his days off. I however would spend $30 every few weeks on getting my nails done and would get guilt-ed about it. I remember worrying about what I would eat and if he'd throw a tantrum and throw out what food we did have in the fridge. I blamed my finances on him and for the most part still do. The amount of money that man spent on restaurants was ridiculous. The thing is, I did it to myself this time. I didn't see it coming but I did it. I'm strapped for cash for the next 2 weeks and it sucks. I sabotaged myself. I bought a few things I needed and in the past couldn't have (rubber boots being one of them) and now can't really afford to do much of anything. Bright side, I work a lot during that time, 6 shifts in 9 days. Why did I agree to work that much? Because I'm a crazy person... actually it's because I'm taking two weeks off at Christmas to go back to the prairies and visit my family. 

Yesterday was the last day of the month and I felt a little excited. What's so special about the last day of November you might ask. I hope and pray it's the day he moves out of our apartment (that's two blocks from my apartment) move downtown (closer to his current job). Why November 30th? Because I finally told him mid-October that I was seeking a divorce. He hopefully gave notice at the end of October and thus would move end of November. If he didn't move downtown maybe I'll hit the jackpot and he'll move back to the prairies. Why would he go back? Because he's got an ego and the cash he used to make as a engineering technologist vs what he makes now is night and day. It's easier to find a new victim girlfriend when you have cash to take them out to dinner and buy them presents. His current income would fund McDonald's and a dollarstore find. 

Fingers crossed I can now live in my wonderful neighbourhood sans him. I currently take the back alley's to get to the convenience store or grocery store in my neighbourhood to avoid the potential of seeing him on the street. I am constantly looking over my shoulder in the store for fear he'll be there buying junk food like he did before I left. The one thing I can say is the panic I felt within when I was walking in my neighbourhood has dissipated over the last nearly 4 months. Maybe now I'll have the courage to get back to running... or maybe I'll stay on the couch eating my weight in gluten free cookies. Either way, so long November!