Anger

I remember a few months after leaving I would feel angry and not know why. It would just come over me and everything around me irritated me. Today I finally figured it out. Whilst reading "The Emotionally Abused Woman" by Beverly Engel I came across a part where she is explaining how to express one's anger in healthy ways. 

I don't know about you but I learned at a very early age to watch my P's and Q's around an abuser which in turn made me watch my emotions in general. Being angry wasn't an acceptable emotion to express. I never learned to express my anger in healthy was so I would just stuff it down into the bottom of the emotions bucket hoping it would just go away. Thing is, it didn't. There they sat hiding in wait; wanting to come out and make itself known. I had spent years hiding my true self with alcohol and/or in a relationship with a man (or man-boy) who in my mind I wasn't good enough for but looking back they weren't good enough for me. 

My anger finally came out to play once I was in a situation to process it. I'm not hiding my pain in a bottle and I'm certainly not hiding it in a new relationship. I am in a stable living situation where I'm finally able to start dealing with it, though I didn't realize what was going on at the time. I have plenty of time alone safe in my apartment to really face these feelings.

I'm not convinced I'm completely out of my angry phase but I feel like I'm on the tail end. Now I need to learn how to express my anger in healthy ways. In addition I need to learn that its ok to say no. Currently I hate to say no to anything. I worry what people will think/say/do. Will they get angry and yell? Will that co-worker get me fired? Will that family member or friend stop loving me? All this questions tell me that I don't value myself enough and that my self-esteem is still pretty low. Then again, I've lived 4 years as a child and almost 5 years as an adult having someone abuse me and beat my self-esteem to establish control over me. I can't exactly expect it to return overnight. 

I know that God loves me and that he created me in his image so how bad can I actually be? In my head I know this to be true but my heart has some doubts. I certainly don't mean that my heart questions God's love but wonders why He would love someone like me. Why would He create someone like me? I feel like other people are smarter, thinner, prettier, better people than I am. Comparison is the number one way to kill your self-esteem not to mention stir up feeling of envy.

To combat feeling like others are smarter I've signed up for a word of the day email in an attempt to expand my vocabulary. I've also accepted that a lot the people around me, especially through my church, are university graduates and many have masters degrees and are smarter than me but that doesn't make me dumb. I've had some life experiences that they never will but what I've done shouldn't be the source of who I am. I need to really study my Bible and figure out who the heck I am when you strip away my experiences both good and bad.

I read some where that the best way to get over feelings of envy it to focus on gratitude. A grateful heart can't be sad. An attitude of gratitude means I recognize and acknowledge the blessings in my life. I have a body that works, I have family and friends that love me, a roof over my head, a job that provides for me and food in my fridge.  I live in a safe country where I don't worry about being raped on my walk to work, where I can express my opinions and religious beliefs without fear of being murdered. I have a lot more that millions of people in the world.