Saturday 27 February 2016

Numbing Out

Back in September 2012 I had a break down and doctors wanted to commit me to a mental hospital to stabilize me and get me on some medication. As I've mentioned in previous posts, I refused and went home with a prescription. I had planned my suicide and thought about it often. 

I had accepted Jesus into my heart the that April and thus knew that I couldn't go through with it. But I also knew that I couldn't continue to live that way. So much to my delight, the medication numbed me out. They put me on a low dose anti-depressant and it kept me numbed for a few weeks then the feelings came back. Instead of actually facing and dealing with the issues, I went to the doctor and asked for an increase. She wrote the prescription and didn't care too much about my mental health. I would late find a different doctor, one who was comfortable with mental health issues and he was a huge help. 

After moving to the coast it seemed as though my marriage was improving I thought I was in the clear and ready to get off my medication. Before moving my doctor gave me the clear to ween myself of my medication if I felt ready. I weened myself off and managed to do pretty well mentally for a month or two. Then, I felt myself slipping back into depression I went back on a low dose and worked my way back up to my original dose.

This led up to reaching out to my pastoral staff for help. I let him know that I would be seeing a pastor for help. Somewhere between than and shortly there after I was convinced by him that it was all his idea. How the heck did that happen?! I only realized this recently. 

I'm still on my medication but I've accepted that I may have to take them for the rest of my life but my hope it to lower my dose. I can say that the dose that I'm on is not acting as a numbing agent anymore.

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