I got to thinking today... I've been wanting to get back into running (and back into shape considering I've been emotionally eating for months now) but I keep putting it off. Now I have been known to procrastinate but this is something more. It hit me on my walk home from my weekly church community group, I retires me to be strong to get strong again. I was almost compulsive about exercising when I was with him but have been less than consistent since.
I exercised to help deal with the stress he inflicted on my life. I exercised to be strong enough to fight back physically when needed. Insert a flash back to a few days before I left and I was on the phone with my Mum at 11 pm (1 am her time) crying, sitting against the bedroom door so he couldn't get in. Maybe sitting is too light of a word, clenching ever leg muscle to keep the door closed might be a better description. I needed those muscles that I had spent the last year developing. As I fell asleep later than night I worried about how sore I would be the following day but I wasn't physically sore. Mentally, I was exhausted. Those last few days still stand out in my mind, weekly.
God put it deep in my heart that I should exercise, regularly. He was preparing me for battle. And now, I don't have any physical battles but I have mental ones I'm still working through. The thing is, exercising it great for mental stress. So why can't I get my mind into a place where I crave running like I once did? Is it because I don't need to be ready for battle anymore? Perhaps.
The reason that seems to float to the top of the reason pile is, I can't be victim and be strong. I can be a survivor and strong. This means I need to shift from the feelings of brokenness and helplessness to a place of strength. Then again, God has strengthened me, daily. The straightening has changed since leaving. He's always strengthened me spiritually but it's just different now.
One of me 4 goals of this year is to run a half marathon and I haven't ran consistently since last year around this time. This means I'm basically starting from scratch though this time won't be as hard because of muscle memory as well as my asthmatic lungs seem to be better that. I wanted to start after I left him but my anxiety was too high to leave the house. I considered buying a treadmill but never did (even though the one I wanted was only $150). I also need to buy new runners but I refuse to spend the cash until I've consistently ran for a month.
Pray for me will ya?
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