Two days ago I had a notification on Facebook that two years ago on that day I had moved to the coast. This triggered the fact that yesterday was his 37th birthday. This ago made me realize that today is the 6 month marker. I've been free for 6 months which also means that I have 6 more months before I can file the paperwork to begin the process of divorce.
It feels like a lifetime ago but it also feels like yesterday; it's as though time is moving both too quickly and too slowly at the same time. I'm excited about the months to come but I also feel like I wanted to be farther along in my recovery at this point than I am. I had hoped to be seeing a counselor regularly months ago but still aren't.
This got me thinking about what had changed not only in the last 6 months but in the last few years. One thing that came to mind is when I used to pinch myself while he would initiate sex. I pinched myself and put on a brave face. I would let him "enjoy" himself. He caught me once and though I was having an allergic reaction. I did it so I wouldn't allow myself to be aroused because I didn't want any intimacy with him. I disliked him immensely but I made a vow to love and I knew God's (and certain friends) opinions of divorce. I had to endure him.
I started cutting (scratching actually) around the time I began pinching myself. I hated myself, my life and my circumstances. I was trapped, I felt trapped. My friends around me kept telling me that I had to "nail the back door shut". They kept telling me that divorce wasn't an option. Thing is, they didn't know what was going on behind closed doors, not entirely at least.
I still think to myself, how does one tell someone else they are being abused when that abuse has become normal? How could I articulate to my pastor what the abuse was when I didn't know what was normal? I don't even think I've realized 50% of the abuse I endured over the 4 years of marriage.
No comments:
Post a Comment