Isolation

Last week my CFO (and acting CEO I might add) was in the office from Toronto. She's a bully and calls everyone "dear" which I find demeaning. By Friday I was ready to slap her if she called me "dear" one more time. I was excited for her to leave but also had a feeling of dread. Last visit she hugged everyone goodbye(which I find inappropriate in the workplace). I tried to run some errand around the time I thought she would be leaving to avoid the situation but I misunderstood when she need to leave by vs what time she needed to be at the airport. 

She began hugging others goodbye (including the new guy) and I didn't want to be touched by her. She approached my desk and said she was going to give me a hug. I don't know where it came from but I said "no, that's ok". I then wished her a safe trip home and she was gone. The other staff couldn't believe I said no. I've been reading a lot about learning to say no and not feeling like I need to explain myself. I didn't explain myself to her and I didn't feel guilty about it. Afterwards the staff said they were proud of me and I explained to them that I don't like to be touched by people I don't know. So technically I did explain myself but not to the one I said no to so I call that progress. Yay me!

I've been waiting to hear back from my aunt who lives close by and I think I'll need to call her again tomorrow evening. I should also call my uncle this week some time. I worry that she might think (along with other family members on my fathers side) that I'm looking for money or help. What I'm actually looking for is further emotional support from family. I want to know my family and them to know me. While I'm not ready to even mention my upcoming divorce, I do want them to know other things about me. I want to have a strong family (and friends) so that I will stop attracting abusive men. 

I spent years slowly being isolated by him and I don't want that to carry on. Isolating is one of the many tactics of an abuser. They don't want others to tell you that there actions are wrong. They want total control over your world. Once they have more control they can then brush off their actions as normal or worse, your fault. 

I started thinking about this at the end of my run last night. I got over my fear of my old apartment and can resume running in my neighbourhood. As I ran past that apartment building I was wondering if I would run into my former neighbours. That got me thinking about how mad he would get if I stopped to talk to them while walking my dog before bed. I think partly because it would cut into time he would try and guilt me into sex. I didn't even realize until last night he was trying to isolate me from them too! He wanted TOTAL control. He would call me or text me frequently (it felt like constantly). He would stop by my work on his days off. The only places I was safe from him randomly appearing was at church and at my weekly church community group. No wonder I had perfect attendance! 

He accused my on more than one occasion of cheating. He figured that since I wasn't having sex with him very often that I must be getting it elsewhere. I couldn't believe he didn't trust me. Then again, guilty conscious may have been a contributing factor. At one point he accused me of having an affair with a girlfriend of mine because in his mind if I didn't want to have sex with him or be physically affectionate I must be attracted to women. Looking back I realize that this was an attempt to isolate me from her as well. We were newer friends and he didn't want anyone to influence me. And yet, when I would have a bout of more serious depression he would try and console me and encourage me to make more friends.