Saturday 30 April 2016

Addict

Have I ever mentioned that he was a drug addict? Or so he says at least. He told me he was a cocaine addict in college but his mom found out and dragged him to rehab and he wasn't able to leave. The second half is crap, I know. Involuntary commitment is only for 72 hours or if deemed a danger to yourself or others. He relapsed the fall before moving to the coast. He failed to tell me for 6 months. If he was using while we were married, I didn't notice and I don't mean behaviour but in the bank account. 

He told me he was a recovering addict within a month of dating. Being that I have my own demons (alcohol), who was I to judge him? I still can't really judge him for it. But it should have caused me to really inspect him under a microscope. Had he really dealt with the underling causes of the addiction (anger, depression or whatever it might be)? Had he found a support system to help prevent relapses? Had he found something productive and safety to fill his time with? The answer, NOPE!

His addiction once we met was me. How to work himself into my heart enough to get control. Looking back, it started on our third date. I was saying goodnight after watching movies at his place and we kissed. This kiss wasn't the quick peck I was expecting. It resulted in him having me up against the wall and pressing his penis into my grown (fully clothed). At this time I had decided not to have sex again until I was married. This didn't last and we had sex within a month of meeting. I instantly regretted it and wanted to stop but he wouldn't let that happen. He already had that much control over me. He had figured out that I didn't want to be single and so he already had a grip over me.

Don't get me wrong, I liked sex as much as the next person. It wasn't like he was holding me down, he never did. But he knew how to push my (sexual) buttons and I let him. I managed to fend him off for a month before the wedding night so it could feel special. 

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