Filing for Divorce

I've discovered a website that will prepare and file my divorce papers. Avoiding a lawyer should save me some money. I had originally planned to fight him in court to have him pay half the debt he incurred on my credit cards. After some deep thought I've decided that my mental health and anxiety would pay the ultimate price if I chose to go to battle with him. Instead, I chose simplicity and convenience. The service I've found will fill out the paperwork (based on the info I gave them) and file the paperwork on my behalf. They will make both trips to the courthouse to file each of the steps. I've chose a sole divorce which means I don't need his signature, only for him not to contest is during a 31 day period. The total estimated time from the day I file until the day it finalizes is 31 weeks and I can start the process tomorrow if I wanted to (had the funds to). This means I could be divorced by Halloween. 

I was Factiming with my Mum yesterday and as we said goodbye my step-father said something in passing about getting back to "business". To which my Mum quick laughed it off. This reminded me of something he used to do when taking with family or friends. He was constantly telling people that we were "smooching" when they would call or Facetime us or when we'd hang up. It was like he was trying to compensate or make himself seem more desired that he was. I would slightly embarrassed and laugh it off. I knew it wasn't true and so did he. 

I woke up this morning happy from the dream I had. I had re-united with my teenage boyfriend Tim (the one that treated me like a princess) and we were planning a wedding. I was talking with his family at his parents house and trying to decide where we would live. I also felt a certain amount of loss and sadness because I know that isn't my life. I'm hopeful that there is a man out there that will treat me (and love me) the way that he did. He was (and is once again) my gold standard; the one I measure all other men against. 

I'm happy that I'm unable to date a in God's eyes I'm still married until I'm not because the idea of having to date again scares me. I also have days were I think about how lonely I am and how much I miss the feeling of being in love. I've been in love with the feeling of being in love since the first time I felt it. The warm fuzzy feeling running through my body. Thinking about him and the way he makes me feel. Finding it hard to concentrate on anything else outside of when the next time I see him and what we'll do together. Going out for dinner, movies, dancing, long walks and cuddling on the couch at home. I miss the innocence of young love.