Money Doesn't Buy Happiness But It Buys Options

It's spring time here on the coast. It has been for a few weeks but only in the last week the rain stopped long enough to get out and enjoy the sun. Because of this I put away my winter clothes (I use that term loosely as the temperature rarely dips past -5) and unpacked my summer clothes. Its a bit early for the bikini but I needed the space in the box for my snowpants. 

While I was doing the swap this afternoon I got to thinking about my current wardrobe and how I desperately would like to replace a number of items. Given that I would for a non-profit that I love but is grossly underpaying me, I am unable to afford new clothing at this time. The only clothing I've bought since leaving him was new bras and undies and a few pairs of shoes. 

I haven't really bought much clothing in the past few years. I was guilted anytime I spent money. When I did buy myself something it was not on impulse. I thought long and hard about whether I really needed it and where I could find it for cheap. The most I've ever spent on a single item of clothing (outside of my wedding dress of $220) was a pair of Ralph Lauren boots which I needed for the winter. Even then I was made to feel guilty and that I was spoiled. 

Looking back, my Mum commented on the difference in the amount of clothing he had verses what I had. He bought himself an article or two of clothing each and every single month. I wasn't allowed to question it not to mention he was so good at manipulating me that he made it seem like I could say no when he asked. I think you and I both know by now that I wasn't able to say no to him ever. He bought a $400 suit and had me convinced it was my idea to spend that amount of money. 

I still struggle to spend money on myself; I feel like i need to justify it to myself (and others). I bought myself a guitar for my thirtieth birthday and spent $400. I felt guilty spending that much on myself. I have wanted to learn guitar for years and I kept putting it off (along with a number of other things) and I finally decided to stop putting my life off. I've wanted to travel and I've made plans to go on a vacation with a girlfriend of mine as well as a hiking trip with my older sister. I still worry about the money I'll be spending on these two trips. That money could be used to pay off the remainder of my debt but again, I don't want to put my life on hold any longer.