Tuesday 26 April 2016

The Truth Is...

My most recent homework was to reflect on why I was so blind at the beginning of the relationship. It's so easy to say it was because he was a master manipulator and used his very special skills on me. While this is true it isn't the whole truth. 

The remainder of the truth is that I so desperately wanted to be loved. I wanted to be desired and spoiled with attention. I thought all the calls and texts were just a normal part of the beginning stages of a relationship. I remember the same feeling with previous relationships but this time it was different. He bought be gifts and showed up at my part-time job to give them to me. He was looking for an excuse to check up on me. 

He was older and I wanted to finally date a grown up. I didn't want to date a man that lived with his mother or played video games. He owned his own home and he had a grown up job. This was going to be a grown up relationship, one filled with common goals and plans for the future. Little did I know that this was not true. 

I wanted so badly to be married and he was at that point in his life he was looking to settle down. I wanted to join the married people club and feel as though I fit in because I rarely felt that way growing up. Even still I struggle with that feeling. I've since learn to enjoy spending time with myself. I don't always love being alone but I enjoy my own company. I have no issue taking myself out to dinner and a movie, shopping alone and I actually prefer to sit alone at church (I'm easily detracted and because I still feel new as far as my faith I feel like I need to pay extra attention). 

I had a memory come back and it makes me question his honesty yet again. There was a dent in the wall on his stairs with a chunk of drywall missing. I don't remember asking what it was from (though maybe I did thinking it was from moving in and he just never had it repaired) but he said it was from his ex-girlfriend falling down the stairs with a can of hairspray. Now the bathroom was at the top of the stairs but there is enough of a landing that it wouldn't make sense for her to fall town the stairs. Now I question if she fell or if she was pushed. He said they had been broken up for nearly a year and considering how prideful he was of his home I wonder if they had broken up much later than he let on. 

He also would speak so negatively about his ex-girlfriends. I will say that they call it a breakup because its broken but is it normal to speak only the negative in a current relationship? I can remember speaking about my ex-boyfriend Tim (the great one) to the boyfriend after, Matt, and said that it was the best breakup in history but I don't remember saying anything past that. 

Speaking of that boyfriend, he visited me in a dream on Sunday night. I don't remember much about the dream but this isn't the first time I've dreamed about him in fact I've had a few in the last year. He had no direction in his life and he had no desire to change that but he had a kind heart. We certainly had our problems and we had our fights but I wouldn't say he's a bad person or I regret dating him. 


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