Wednesday 17 August 2016

Guilt

As I've mentioned in previous posts, he was great a making me feel guilty. I figured this would go away once I left. I knew it wouldn't be right away but over time. Well, it's been over a year now and it's come back.

Months into my marriage, one fight resulted in him suggesting I was flirting with a Facebook friend (a man) and while I professed I wasn't, he wouldn't back down. I decided to delete all male friends except family. I now suspect this was just his guilty conscience peek through. 

Since I left, I've started to connect with family and build up the support system (network) I so desperately needed previously. This has also resulted in adding some of my male friends back. One in particular found me earlier this week and added me. When I had left him, I changed my last name on Facebook to my middle name since changing it back to my maiden name would result in an influx of questions I wasn't prepared to answer. A week or two ago I finally changed it back to my maiden name. I find it interesting that this friend added me once he knew I was single.

We've been chatting back in forth and it turns out he got married a month after I did and is too in the process of divorce. He didn't add me until he knew I was single out of respect to my marriage. I instantly felt guilty for talking to a man again, this would be only the second time since I left (minus work and my church community group). I've struggled to talk to men and frankly saw no point as I'm still married and am not looking to date in the foreseeable future. 

He actually is in a similar situation. His wife was emotionally abusive and he's going through counseling and trying to get his life back together. We've both been very clear that there isn't anything else going on except friendship. Thing is, I question myself. Am I leading him on? Am I messing with someone's potential spouse? Am I cheating on my spouse? Stupid, I know. This is that guilt peeking it's ugly head out. 

It's interesting when different people tell me that I didn't deserve to be treated that way. It hits me differently. I remember my step-father saying to my Mum, "I can't understand how anyone could get angry with her or her dog". I teared up. It's very different to hear a man tell me I didn't deserve it vs. a woman. Neither is better than the other, just different. My counselor also told me something similar (she was crying after I told her of one incident just days before I left) and I cried. It doesn't get old to hear it. It's not as though I believe I deserved it, not deep down at least. But each time I hear it, I'm strengthened. I'm realizing that I am not damaged or broken. That I deserve a man who will treat me like a princess; that will open the door for me, bring me flowers for no special reason and that will love me as I am (past and all). 

I worry that this man isn't out there or that he won't be in the "packaging" I'd like. But then I turn back to my faith and realize that I'm not in control and that God has had a plan for my life up until now so He has one for the rest of my life. That He has a man lined up for me but of course, it's on His time and not mine. I can't force it like I did this marriage. As much as I hope that I meet someone now and build a friendship that could later lead to a romantic one. It sounds great on paper but then again, I'm not ready to trust a new man. 

This current friend on my that I'm talking to is older than I am, in a different province and has seen me in some less than favorable times in my life. I don't think I would feel as comfortable talking to him in person but it's nice to have someone to talk to about working through the emotional baggage. As I type this, I am still questioning myself and worried what you all might think of this. Yet another time in my life I need to stop worrying about what the world thinks of me and focus on what God thinks of me. 

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