Memories

As I've mentioned before, I have PTSD which has caused my memory to be shotty at best. It's been interesting catching up with my friend the last few days. He asks if I remember this or that and I don't. It's crazy how the mind works isn't it? I think my mind is protecting me and has a wall up for anything that happened a year a go or longer. Occasionally opening the door to a memory or two. 

In the last month I've had few memories come back to me. The first was what he told me after we were married and I was shocked by it at the time but now I've realized that he already so much control over my life that I wasn't even appalled or upset. When he was younger and while he was living in the town he grew up in he and some of his friends stole a mentally challenged boy's bicycle and buried it in cement. He thought it was funny and told me it while giggling to himself. 

The second memory that came back to me was that he had told me that he's friends took turns sexually assault an aboriginal teenager at a party. After they were done with her the dumped her in a ditch. He told me he didn't participate but when I think about it, he probably did. I know that I really can't trust anything he said to me and shouldn't believe anything he told me.

As I look back on my marriage, I wonder if he had affairs with other women. I didn't get tested after my marriage but I'll be asking to be during my next physical. It's scary to think what he could have exposed me to. 

Yesterday was a big day. I finally filed my divorce papers. I would have sooner but their was an error and I had to wait for it to be corrected. It will be months before it's all processed but it feels great knowing that the end of that chapter in my life is coming. I just hope that he doesn't try and make things difficult. I hope to avoid lawyers and a battle. even to the point I'm willing to accept paying off all the debt myself. If he decides to fight me then I have enough courage and strength to come out guns blazing so to speak. I am hoping to remain the bigger person; to stay classy San Diego (Ron Burgundy reference for you). 

I see that I have some regular readers and I'd like to say thanks for making time in your life. I didn't start this blog with the intentions of getting thousands of followers; it was a step in my long healing process. I also hoped that it might help someone else in a similar situation. 

God Bless!