Questioning Motives

Have I mentioned that I lift weights on a regular basis? If not, I lift 5-6 mornings a week. I've noticed my strength (and weight) have increased and it's help my confidence. 

Monday was a leg day. If you lift or ask anyone one who lift, the least favourite day in the week is leg day. I felt fine afterwards and worked my other job that evening which meant that I skipped my evening yoga session. Tuesday I was tired from the working late but I was otherwise fine. Tuesday afternoon I was walking in my building and up the stairs to my apartment and I suddenly felt pain in my right knee. I wrote it off as tweeking it and favoured my left knee. Today it's still hurting but only doing stairs or bending over. 

While chatting with my male friend (who is a trained first responder) and mentioned my knee. After asking a few questions he told me he thought it was a tendon. He suggested I ice it and or take some Advil. After saying I wouldn't take any drugs because I don't believe in that unless I'm in agony. I tired to blow off icing but finally agreed to ice it. 

As I sit here with ice on my knee I got to thinking "is this the beginning of the control/ grooming process"? Sounds crazy, right? He is a medic and wanted me to take care of an injury and I worry that he's showing control issues. 

I know I have issues with men, specifically trusting (or lack there of). He's never given me a reason not to trust him. A reason to be pissed off at him yes but never a reason to think he's dishonest. He's challenging but not in a confrontational. I know I need to learn to trust men and slowly I think I am but it won't happen over night.

Have You Ever Had An Audience?

Have you ever peed in front of someone? I'm not talking about when you were a child. Guys, not standing at the urinal or ladies, aside from sharing a bathroom stall when there's a long line up in the ladies bathroom at a bar, have you peed in front of someone?  I haven't. But it's not as though he didn't want me to. He wanted to pee in front of me and tried to make it seem like it wasn't that big of a deal. I don't think he had a fetish or anything but looking back it was another way to control me. 

If I stopped closing the door while I peed he would have even more access to me. Towards the end I would keep my cell phone on me at all times. I would use the time in the bathroom to reply to texts and what not. I suspect he knew that I would do this but didn't know the end was near. 

I finally received the document back with his signature last night. I couldn't believe it; I thought that I would have to start looking for a lawyer. I was at my part time job and literally fist pumped in front of a few co-workers. Such a sense of relief, Matthew 11:28 came to mind. I had been praying and trust God for months regarding this. This was his last control over me. At this point the only thing left is him signing the divorce papers. He can refuse if he wants but he would also have to file papers with the court house protesting the divorce because I've filed for a sole divorce. Praise the Lord!

I also paid to refile my divorce papers with a change of address to a girlfriend of mine so that he wouldn't get to see my home address when he gets served the papers to sign. This means my divorce will be delayed but it also means I can continue to feel safe in my neighbourhood and not worry as much that he's stalking me. 

And the Building Comes Crawling Down

I took my dog for a walk yesterday morning, like I do every morning, the same route day in and day out; I am a creature of habit. This walk also includes a view of the building I lived in with him for nearly two years. I mentioned in a previous post that they had planned on tearing down the building from before the time we had moved in. This past winter I noticed that the building was vacant and being prepared to be torn down. For months I've been waiting for the building to finally come down. Well, that day arrived and on a day where my anxiety was high (-er than usual). I walked down the block and stood in front of the building. I immediately felt this peace and feeling of relief coming over me.
Tearing down building symbolizes an ending; him losing power over me. That building contained his place of power and control. That place protected him and failed to help me. He lost that place to abuse me and hide it behind closed doors.

I also got to thinking about the things in that apartment. He had written on the kitchen cupboards. He wrote gentlemen rules like a reminder for him to treat me better. Thing is, it wasn't a reminder for him to treat me better behind closed doors but rather a reminder for him to be able to reference them to others, to treat other women that way and appear to treat me that way when others were watching.

Fighting with the Ex

I finally received a response to my most recent email to him. We went back and forth for about an hour and he still refused to tell me specifically why he wants the business income statements. I finally closed my email because I felt myself getting too anxious. I know he can't actually physically hurt me anymore but I'm still afraid of him. I was afraid to answer the phone at work for the rest of the day, its the only way he could call me. 

After some discussion with my Mum I've figured out my plan. It's a fine line to walk with a narcissist. I can't let him think that I'm still weak enough to allow him to manipulate and control me but I also can't let on that I'm strong and unwilling to put up with him non-sense any longer. 

So I waited a week and sent him the paperwork last night. He's only response was "thanks. I'm taking to my lawyers and I'll let you know." I got so angry. I'm fairly certain he can't afford a lawyer and why bother when the business hasn't even made $1000 in the last two years. I sent it to my Mum and asked when is a good time to pull out my ace card ($700 in medical coverage that could be billed to him for August 2015 to June 2016) that he doesn't know about. I don't want to fight with him and I don't think I'm asking for too much. I'll pay the debt if he gives me my business. I want this dealt with so I can serve him with the divorce papers. 

My anxiety has flared back up so I'll end today's post here.

Slight Crush

I mentioned in a previous post that I have a slight crush on a vendor I deal with at work. He lives in Nanaimo and we've talked for 2 years now but never met. He grew up near my home town and he's got the prairie friendliness I miss so much. I figured that if I was meant to meet him that eventually I would (preferably after my divorce finalized). Well, that's not the case. He called this morning, which I secretly hope it's him each time my phone rings at work, and informed me he'll be stopping by on Wednesday. 

After I hung up I instantly thought about what I should wear, which outfit is cutest (and most slimming!). But then I sat back and thought about the fact that my divorce isn't finalized. That its not as though I could accept a date if he asked and perhaps this is a test. Am I really going to stay true to my word and not date until I'm no longer married? In my heart I know its the right thing to do. But I also have this little voice in the back of my head reminding me that I'm not getting any younger and the window of my child bearing years is coming to an end in the next handful of years. 

Let the Adventures Begin!

I sold my wedding ring this past Saturday. I thought I would have more of an emotional response than I did. I was cool as a cucumber and I was a bit shocked by this. I loved that ring (heck, I picked it out) but I didn't love what it represented. I didn't get exactly what I had hoped for but it will cover a portion of my divorce costs. 

I also received notification that stage one of my divorce has been filed and received stage two in the mail (which means I have to serve him the documents). I'm holding off on serving him until I send him the documents to sign over the business. In the event he doesn't agree to sign in I'll have the process server get a signature from him while he signs the divorce papers. The best part of this all, I found out they typically try to serve people while they're at work (less likely to make a scene or turn violent). Not that I want to embarrass him on purpose but he'll lose his mind when this happens. I am counting on an anger email shortly after it. Is it wrong that I'm a little excited about this? In a sick and twisted way? 

A few photos from hiking on the Island

This past Sunday I went on a camping trip with a friend of mine on Vancouver Island. I hadn't gone camping in nearly seven years. It was an adventure (which I really needed) and so beautiful. Thankfully I wasn't eaten by a cougar or bear. 

My dog was too tired to be social but wanted to ensure I hadn't left the campsite

I am really enjoying the freedom this new life is bringing me. It got me even more excited for my trip to Nashville later this fall. I no longer have someone controlling my time or money. 

Leave a comment if you'd like me to include photos with my blog posts.